4-23-2004
Today is turning out to be an interesting day already.
Nothing earth-shattering has happened, but I have spent the morning amusing myself in my head, which is always fun.
I'm at work, Lou Reed and I are walkin' on the wild side, and Im about to bust out a set of the Hellybillys to drown out the stupid boitch in the office next to me who feels that she must speak on her telephone loudly enough for the entire building to hear her. I guess she thinks we give a shit. Sorely mistaken, she is.
This afternoon, I have the enormous priviledge of sitting on an interview committee for a new position here at work. It was interesting yesterday, we interviewed three applicants. I can't talk about them until later - or I could lose my job, so I will have to curb my forked tongue for now... but I will promise you all the glorious, nasty details later. Four more to go today, and it will be an afternoon of fun and games. Hah! At least I get out of going to the mind-numbing committee meeting this afternoon that I usually am subjected to every other Friday. This is a glorious thing, believe me.
In other news, I have been feeling like a royal BITCH lately. I have been letting my mind wander to what it might be like to shed the nice, sweet and loyal Jenn skin for a few days and go wild and create a bunch of wreckage in my personal life. This would be, quite obviously, my self-destructive twin - coming to life. She is so bored, and just dying for some self-gratification at the expense of anyone else.
Forturnately, I have learned to harness her ass pretty well. I got incredibly tired of picking up after her messes a long time ago. I make her behave. But lately, she has been whispering naughty and very APPEALING things in my ear. (It's NOT about getting loaded, you fucks...) Just for today, I'm telling her to shut up, and running wild in my fanatasies as opposed to real life. Those are always better anyhow - the fantasies turn out how I want them to, and real-life tends to fuck me over on that one.
This weekend will be a bore and a half, work - work - work! But I am off to Seattle next week for four days, which should be fun and relaxing. I am visiting Dad and Deb, whom I have not seen in over a year. It will be nice to catch up.
In the interim, I am attempting to keep my evil Jenn on her leash, and not be too CYNICAL to everyone I talk to. Happy Friday, guys...
4-11-2004
Last week, I was lucky enough to go on a ride-along with the Fresno City Fire Department, Engine 8. My little brother Jeremy is a fireman with them, and I drove out to Fresno on Wednesday, and rode along with them all day Thursday.
Apparently, there is something called the "ridealong curse", in which anytime the engine has a ridealong, the engine gets no calls.
Well, I got to the station at 7 am, and at 8:30 in the morning, the bells rang, and off we went! It was so exciting, especially being in "Code 3" which is where the engine lights and sirens go on, and off we fly, cars parting in front of us, like the parting of the red sea! I got to ride in the engine, right next to Jeremy and Dave, the two firefighters. Captain Doss was in the front, and Rick, the engineer, drove the engine.
It was fabulous, and totally exciting! The first call we went to was a paper-shredding truck fire. According to Captain Doss, they had just picked up a load of shredded documents from the IRS building, and something in what they picked up was on fire, and caught all the paper in the completely full truck on fire. Hmmmm.... (lol)
It was by far, the best call they got all day... and I got a lot of pictures of this one.
The rest of the afternoon, we were plagued with the curse. Although, not having any calls is a good thing. We went out on another call in the afternoon, to an apartment fire, but got cancelled. We ran errands, filled the engine with gas, went grocery shopping, and did some inspections of buildings.
In the evening, after dinner, the crew went to the hospital to do a presentation with some volunteers, and then visited a fourteen year old boy who has been in the hospital for over a month. He was hit by a bus while on his bike, and has lost a large part of his foot. The F.C.F.D has sort of "adopted" him, and they visit him daily.
He's a great kid, very funny and despite all of his injuries and the pain he was in, he had an amazing attitude. The firemen love him.
Later, we went back to the engine house, and I sat around two hours after I was supposed to leave, waiting for another call. The crew teased me, saying that as soon as I left, they were going to get slammed with calls.
I went out to the parking lot at ten pm, and got into my car. I switched on the ignition, and flipped the lights on, and....... Wham! A call! Jeremy yelled for me to come on, and we jumped back on the engine. The crew and I were cracking up....
It was another car fire, this time the entire hood of the vehicle was flaming, and the driver, in a panic, had pulled into a GAS STATION! The firemen put that one out in a damn hurry! I didnt get any really good pictures of this one, since they worked so quickly, the fire was out fast. Plus it was dark, and I stayed in the engine for most of the call, the smoke was thick and very chemical smelling. It sort of freaked me out...
All in all, it was a great experience, and I had a blast. The crew, Jeremy, Dave, Rick and Captain Doss were so funny and nice. They made me feel very welcome and gave me quite an education. I dont think I have laughed so hard in a long time.
Check out the pictures I got:
4-5-04
Wasted Time -
The Eagles
Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh, my God, you can't believe
It's happening again
your baby's gone, and you're all alone
and it looks like the end.
And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
but you can't hold your man.
You never thought you'd be alone
this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time
The autumn leaves have got you thinking
about the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no
you just loved the boy too well, farewell
So you live from day to day, and you dream
about tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes
and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something
to make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time
Ooh, another love has come and gone
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me
before you went out on your own:
"Sometimes to keep it together,
you got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby,
and I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find,
that it wasn't really wasted time
Are you all sick of the sappy song lyrics yet? I am a little sick of them, but I am drawn to them anyways. Sometimes, when I feel confused and hurt - words take too much to put together, and someone else's capture my feelings so much better than I could.
I remember that after my divorce, I used to play this song and cry all the time. I felt so lost, and scared. I missed him so badly, yet I knew I had to go. This song said better than I could everything I felt about him, and us and what I hoped would be how I might feel in a few years.
Well, here I am a few years later, and you know what? I know it wasn't wasted time. I know that he and I were together for a reason, and I know I will always love him. I know that my disappointment in myself, and in him slowly faded to acceptance and love. I look at my marriage for what it was - and I have a lot of gratitude for that man, and the years we spent together. And we are still friends today. What a beautiful gift.
I hope that no matter how my present situation turns out, I will one day be able to look back on it all, and know that I learned something from all of this. I know that if I keep on keeping on, that one day I will see more clearly why and what for, and that I will have grown by leaps and bounds as a result of all of this.
In the meantime, I am coping. I feel pretty sad all the time, but I am rarely paralzed by this. I have a lot to do, and a lot of things I can focus on. I still love him, I always will. But I know I need to let him go in the best sense that I can. For now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Today, though and from now on, I realize that I need to live my life, and quit trying to live his for him.
I can't live in my fear either, because that really makes for a shitty day. So - I am doing my best to just put my focus on the here and now, to enjoy the gifts I do have, and let this play out like it's supposed to - whether I am in the way or not.
Today has been a little better, and for that I am grateful.