8-28-03
so much knowledge is locked in this darkness,
waiting to be revealed...
Well, here I am again. Sorry I didn't post for so long. I have had a hellish 2 weeks, kids. For real.
Forget about the computer problems, whatever - those are fixed now and my machine is up and running. Thanks to Steven, oh great IT God - and Paul, for all their help. It's nice to have smart IT friends.
I am doing it. Finally. And to be truthful, it is totally kicking my ass.
I have taken a 30 day abstinence from him. I have drawn a line - I have stepped out of the insanity of this relationship, and I am putting the focus, on me, completely, as best as I can. It is in some ways, harder than I ever imagined it would be, and in some ways, much easier.
My days seem to be a mixture of blind faith, one foot in front of the other, just do the next indicated thing - and then complete hysteria, sadness and fear. I can go from one to the other in a split second. I don't think I have fully even begun to grasp the effect that this relationship has had on me in the past 8 months, and what I have allowed my life to become like.
I feel like the woman who was so strong in her program, the woman who loved life, who lived passionately, who had all she wanted - is gone. I feel like I have allowed myself to be reduced to a sniveling, whiny, fearful, obsessed, little girl. The only thing I have managed to do right is stay clean. I haven't gotten loaded, no matter what.
Now, I know that is not totally true. I know that today, I am trying to do my best, and that I am also sick. I know that I need help. Badly. I am ashamed that I have been so blindly loving someone for so long, that I have seemingly lost all sense of myself. I feel sad and I also feel angry. Sometimes, I feel like a victim. Then I feel ashamed for feeling that.
But I also know that it is my experience that if I CHOOSE it, I can find the light and the truth and the hope in the darkness. Sometimes, it is here that I learn my most important lessons.
See folks, I am all messed up. I am really insane sometimes. Then other times, I have a clarity and insight into myself and where I have the power to change this, and I am surprised. How can the two conflicts so eagerly exist with each other?
I never saw how completely I had allowed my life to become so wrapped up in his. I did not see how much I have become accustomed to the drama that living with a using addict brings. I did not realize that when that drama was gone, that it would take all I had not to go looking for it.
I have days of just leaving him alone, of sitting in faith that he is on his path, that I am on mine - and whether they will meet up again is not up to me anymore. It never really was. I was simply fighting something I cannot win.
And then I have days where I become convinced that I wont be able to handle what the outcome of this might be - that no matter how deep my faith is that I will be okay, I CANNOT believe it. I feel like I am going to die without him, and if I truly let him go, I will lose. These are the hard days. These are the days where I struggle with an obsession that is bigger than me, and one that more frequently that not, I seem to be caving in to. It's not difficult to call around to a few people and get the "latest" scoop. This is what I struggle with - the NEED TO KNOW.
I will give myself props for some of the things I have successfully done. I have not spoken with him for more than 15 minutes in over a week. I have kept it short, loving and not made promises. I am not letting him be here in my house. I am not taking care of him. I am letting him do all that himself. When he shows up at a meeting, loaded or not, I have tried to be loving. I am not making threats, I am not being unreasonable. My statement is that I am taking some time for myself, because I am confused and I am hurt - and I need a break.
I am fucking livid sometimes, I am so damn angry about the ways this has turned out. I am so hurt and I feel totally betrayed. I miss him so bad sometimes, I just want to go and grab him, and drive away, forever from this place, and forget this is happening. I want to curl up in a ball and just leave for a while. But I know that the only way through this is though it. I know I need to feel it, to experience it and to walk it in order for me to get past it.
My life is consisting of a lot of "one day at a time" and "no matter what". I'm living through something that I never wanted, and I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, even if I cannot see it. I know that the outcome of this may not be what I hope for, and I am doing it anyway. I am taking a stand for myself, because I dont want to live like this anymore.
This song breaks my heart, but I love it anyway....
Still - Macy Gray
Then your crumbs of lovin
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still
Light up like a candle burnin when he call me up
I still
Melt down like a candle burnin everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still
Be lovin you baby and it's much too much
I know this entry sounds really depressed, but I really dont care - That is how I fucking feel right now. I'm sure I will feel better tomorrow.
8-26-03
Hi - I will post soon, I swear. My life has been sooo hectic the last 2 weeks. I have a ton to write about.
My machine was infected with the Blaster and Melchia worms, and I had to completely reformat the hard drive. Talk about trauma. Anyhow, I am back online, but busy. I will try to post tonight.
For those of you who are wondering though, I am okay. Thanks for all the emails.
Love, Jenn
8-15-03
Well, hello kids. I am back. My vacation was nice. It was definitely not long enough, although I was happy to return when I did.
Salt Lake was hot, and my family there is good. It is always nice to visit. I think I am going to go back in late November and enjoy the snow and cold weather. :-)
Reno was even nicer, weather-wise at least. It was great to see Jeannie and Chris, and their new house. I went to a meeting in Reno, which was cool too.
Life happened while I was gone.
I came home to discover that a close friend of mine lost her boyfriend on Friday night. He died of an overdose. It is really sad. I am really sad. I did not know him really well, but he was one of those I did know a bit, and I liked him a lot. I wanted to know him, and I wanted him to know the freedom we find in the rooms. He didn't while he was here. It is my hope and belief that he found that in death. The sad part is, that he didn't have to die to be freed. I hate this. I hate addicts dying, and it happens every fucking day.
He left behind a family, a mother, a father, brothers and sisters, plenty of friends, and my friend too. They were supposed to get married this weekend. This woman is living my worst nightmare. I feel for her. I can imagine how awful that has to be to live through, and she is doing it clean. She just came off a run, and isn't using behind this. I am so proud of her.
Things like this remind me of the power of the group. I am really humbled to see how we can all band together and carry someone who is suffering. It is encouraging. I wish, however that this shit didn't happen this time as a result of someone's death.
Life is busy for me right now. I have been a bit of an emotional wreck all week. This pushed a lot of my buttons, namely the fear and sadness ones. I want to take on her pain, and somehow lessen it. But I can't. I can't even touch it. All I can do is love her, and listen... and continue to carry the message of recovery to those who want to hear it.
I am just so tired of my friends dying.
Anyway, it is Friday and I am happy about that. I am looking forward to sleeping in this weekend and cleaning up my house. I think I am going to turn my little dining room into a meditation room. That is my next project. Let's see if I can do it with the pathetic amount of money I have in my checking account! Hah!
I'll post again soon.
8-1-03
Just breathe. Another day.
Another day, just believe.
Another day.
I’m used to it by now.
I’m used to it by now.
Just breathe. Just believe.
-Telepopmusic - Breathe
Well, happy August to everyone. I hope you all enjoy the last month of summer.
I'm going to enjoy it - I hope. I am leaving for vacation tomorrow and I won't be back to post for a week or so.
I am headed off to a womens retreat tomorrow over the weekend, and then I will come back and leave Tuesday for Salt Lake City and Reno.
I'm looking forward to time with my loved ones and friends. I am also scared shitless to leave.
I need a vacation - it's been almost four years since I had a real one, and I am excited. Ten days off work - paid. How sweet is that?
Unfortunately, I am nervous about leaving, it's my control issues. I am afraid that if I leave, T will relapse again. God, just writing it makes me feel stupid. I mean, really Jenn! I KNOW that if that's going to happen, it's going to happen regardless of whether I am here or not.
We had a long talk tonight, and it left me feeling sad and sort of empty. Sometimes honesty can do that to a person. It's hard to talk about our future right now, because things have been so rough the last few months. He can't make me any promises, and even if he tried to - I would not believe them.
I am definetely scared. I am so, so scared that I am going to lose him. But, all I can do is keep on with this and see what life brings. I came home to my empty house tonight, and for the first time in a week, I really, really wished he was here. It is hard to live alone sometimes, especially being so used to living with him.
Maybe I sound like I am on the pity pot. Really, I'm not - My head is just racing 180 miles an hour with anxiety. This happens a lot right before I leave to go out of town, and I am leaving for a while this time. Yikes. I am grateful that I have learned to just DO it, though. The difference for me is that today, I follow through with what I say I am going to do -- even if I am scared to do it.
And I think I will leave, and miss him, and be worried - but I know I can also enjoy myself too. I will enjoy myself. I am lucky to have the means to go on a damn vacation, and I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!! (are you convinced yet?) LOL.
Talk to you all in a week!
-Jenn