12-27-03
Well, as usual life has done a 180 since my last entry. This is why I feel sometimes like I either quit writing in this thing or do it more frequently. I swear, I am such a rollercoaster of emotions lately, I confuse myself frequently.
I made it through Christmas. It was nice, actually. My expectations about how horrible it would be this year were seriously overdramatized. (jenn - overdramatized? nah!) LOL. Actually, I am happy to report that I had a very nice holiday, and Tony has been clean now for a while, and is doing okay - just for today. And that is all I will say about that.
I'm looking forward to ringing 2003 out with a big bang and a great big "kiss my ass" goodbye. 2003 has been a year of a lot of pain, a lot of growth and hopefully in hindsight, a lot of lessons. I got honest this year, real honest. I have not written in here yet about this, but I changed my clean date this year. I took my FIRST year cake in the program this year, on November 14th. My clean date is now November 14th, 2002.
I did a lot of things in those first few years of recovery that I had to come to terms with, namely on one occasion - I drank. I was out of the state, and at the time, I convinced myself that it never happened. One shot of tequila doesn't equal a new clean date, right? Nobody but me knew about it. There were other things too, me dancing the line with using - never going back into full blown addiction, but I was not abstinent. One here, one there - no big deal - it never happened.
Well, that was my attitude for a while, then a strange thing happened. The love of my life got loaded, and I quit dancing the line and, borne from a lot of pain, I started working a serious program. And in that pain, a little voice in my head that kept telling me that I needed to be truthful, that no recovery could really truly happen for me until I got honest. That voice kept getting louder.
The other voice was loud too - you know, the one that tells me that getting loaded is an option today - the voice that told me that using was better than sitting for one more second in that pain I was in. If you cant beat em - join em - right? Fuck, WRONG. Anyways, that voice used another good one on me - "well, you dont have a real clean date anyways, you piece of shit - so why does it matter?!"
It came down to one night in the car with my friend Tina, when nothing anyone said to me mattered, and I was out of my mind, and I alternately was telling her to drop me the fuck off at home(so I could use, and carry out my plan of suicide by O.D.), and to not leave me alone because I wanted to use SO badly. She refused to let me be alone.
And, in a moment, the truth came welling up out of my mouth, and even as I tried to swallow it down, I told my big, scary, dark secret. The little "NA girl" Jenn, the epitome of a young woman in recovery, the sponsor, the speaker, the convention girl, the woman with "almost 4 years clean" - had a dirty date, and I finally told the truth.
And, you know what? The obsession to use left me. I felt the relief course through my heart, and I felt free. And when I got over the ego-driven shame behind all of it - the relief really came. And taking my first "cake" in NA this year, was strangely bittersweet - but it felt real. Because of all the years that I could have gotten loaded over pain in recovery - this one would have been it - and I stayed clean.
Imagine that.
So - I will ring out the 2003 and say Hello to the New 2004 in style. I bought myself tickets to see the Reverend Horton Heat at the Ventura Theater this New Years Eve - it's dress code too - 40's and 50's only. I bought a bad-ass dress, new shoes and some sexy stockings. I will dance the night away, and hopefully really enjoy myself.
I will pray for solace for friends who have had a really rough year, and I will look forward to finding a lot of gratitude and peace for myself in 2004.
Maybe I'll even start writing in this thing regularly again... who knows - miracles can happen, folks.
12-9-03
Well today is proving to be a difficult day already. I am so fucking sad, I feel like I'm unraveling piece by piece. I try and do whats in front of me, but I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a few months.
I hate writing entries that sound so sad all the time, but truthfully - that's where I am at. And no matter how many people encourage me with "It will pass" and "You'll get through this" and "It's all about your attitude" - I fucking hate this and there is nothing that anyone can say that gives any relief to me where I am at.
Some days I can just focus on the good things, and I can do what's next, and I can push this shit far inside, and pretend that I am okay and life is moving on. But I know, in my heart - that I'm faking it. I hate my life right now. The circumstances of what I have gotten myself into are totally screwed and there is nothing I can DO to change them. Therefore, I am stuck with feeling how I feel, and waiting for it to stop hurting so fucking much.
Did I mention that I hate Christmas too? I just want this stupid season to pass and the new year to come. I hate trees, lights and santa. I want no part in the Joy of the Season and all that crap. I feel grateful every day for the good and wonderful things I have in my life, and all that Christmas makes me feel is lonelier than I am.
My heart feels like it's been ripped to tiny shreds and it's sitting in my lap along with my scrambled brains. I am so confused - and then at the same time I am not.
Does that make any sense? I know where I am at - I know the reality of the situation with Tony and I. I understand he is going to choose whatever he wants until he either dies or reaches a place of being willing to stop using. And in the meantime, I know I can't be in a "relationship" with him. He's not even there anymore. I look at his beautiful face and I see my Tony, and then he opens his mouth and all I hear are lies. Pathetic, ludicrous attempts at justifying his using, and there is NO part of the man I fell in love with left. His disease is running his world. It's a world of denial so strong, he can't even realize he's in it - and it's taken him over completely.
I feel hopeless. He sees what his using has taken from him, and he still can't stop. He's miserable, angry, sad, hopeless and hurting, and the one thing that has created all of this - he continues to give his energy to. He keeps choosing it. He called his drug dealer from my house last night. I want to kill that bitch. I swear if I could -- sometimes I think I would.
But I can't. I can't stop her or him, and no amount of begging, pleading, manipulating or crying or screaming will change this. I am slowly watching this man I love die and it's killing me too. And I dont know how to let go. I keep trying, and I just can't. I won't. I won't stop telling him I love him. I won't NOT see him. I will not.
So -you see - I UNDERSTAND that I choose this. I try to sit in faith, to let him go - I'm not even trying to bust him when he lies or get him to see that no one but him is buying it. I am just trying to let him do what he is going to do and try to take care of me in the meantime.
I just can't stop crying. I'm still praying, and I am praying for a miracle. But that would really be what it would take at this point.
Sorry for the maudlin entry, but this is my journal and I can cry if I want to. :-)
12-5-03
I just lit myself on fire, if you can believe that. Yeah. I was trying to burn the little threads off the end of my jeans outside and my pant leg caught on fire. Luckily, I patted myself out before anyone noticed, or took me to the mental ward for a suicide attempt.
Really now, if I wanted to off myself - I'd find a less painful way to do it.
I have been listening lately to Sarah Mclachlan's new album, Afterglow. I love her. Unfortunately, given the frame of mind I have been in, it generally makes me cry a lot when I listen to it. But, I was looking at the lyrics of this song called, Push - and I thought that this song reminds me of what I believe that my Higher Power is to me.
You know, instead of thinking that every damn love song I hear in some way relates to my current heartache, I decided to give some credit here. My HP rules, and I know he has my back in a way that no man ever, ever will. So - here you go, God. And rock on, Sarah.
Push
Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
Youve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe in
Youre all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
Youre the one true thing I know I can believe
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do cause youre too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far youll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise Id drown
But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me Im OK
sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day
12-2-03
Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belongDon't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them round till I'm the one who brings
you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself all right alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
how did I go wrong in loving you
After three and a half years, I have let go. And I am not sure how I feel. I miss him, but I've been missing him for a year now. I've just been holding on to nothing, and It's time to let it go. I still hope that maybe someday down the road, we can try again. My heart wants that but my mind is so scarred and confused, I don't even know if I can really see it happening.
I may or may not post here regularly for a while. I am nursing a broken heart, and sometimes I feel like if I have to hear myself cry or "process" any more of this I am going to scream. But, I'll take it a day at a time, and see where it takes me.
I'm trying hard to focus on the wonderful and joyous things in my life, and surprisingly, I have felt better in the last two days than I have in the last 6 months.
I guess when they told me I would find peace in my surrender, they weren't joking.
Happy Holidays to everyone!