12/28/02

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me... time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting... time after time

I never left. I wanted to leave, but I stayed. I stayed because despite how much my fear and my pain and my disease told me that it wasn't going to get better, no matter what anyone else told me to do, no matter what good advice I blatantly ignored, I believed in him.

I still do. I believe in the inherent goodness and desire to live. I believe that no matter how tortured we are sometimes, no matter what our past consists of, I believe that there is still a part of us that wants to live, wants to be happy, feel God, feel at peace.

I believed that for him, when he could not believe it for himself, and I am still doing it. Goddamn it, I am so proud of myself for not running. Even though I tried, even though I wanted to, even though had the circumstances been different, I might have - the bottom line is that I didn't.

For the first time in a long time, I stood still in the face of one of my biggest fears in the world, and I jumped right in that fucking monster's mouth, and I let it eat me.

And I'm still here.

I earned my own respect. I proved to myself that with the help of the God of my understanding, I can weather just about the worst thing I could imagine, and not run off to hide, or act out, or use. I did none of those things. I stood still and I held strong in my faith, and when it wavered, I ran to people who would help me remember it, and I let them carry me.

Today is day 6.

12/27/02

I got the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for. I prayed and prayed for it, and by the Grace of God, the Universe, whatever... I got it. All I can really say is just that I am ever so fucking grateful.

12/24/02

Merry Christmas to all. I hope everyone's holday is filled with peace, joy and happiness. The shopping is done, the presents are wrapped. I have to go and get my kitties some tuna fish for their Xmas celebration tomorrow and that's it! I am sort of wishing that today and tomorrow pass quickly, since I am just not really in the joyous Christmas mood that I usually have on Christmas eve. This year has been a little bit harder than usual.

I am trying to be grateul though. I gave one of my sponsee's direction last night to write a gratitude list and to spend some time throughout the day reflecting on what she is grateful for. That maybe that action would help her to feel more joyous.

I ought to take my own fucking direction, huh?

In other news, I am trying to install a commenting system on my site today, seeing as I am now officially on vacation, but I need something to do. Maybe I'll get lucky and get that up and running today and then do some more to this site......

We'll see.

12/17/02

Sometimes I feel like I am unraveling. Slowly spinning and spinning, and everytime I turn, losing a small piece of me, flinging it off into somewhere. I have no idea where this is going to end, or how or when.

I do however, have faith that it is exactly what it is supposed to be.

In the incredibly wise words of an old friend of mine - "the things that we are given in life - the good things, the pleasurable things, our possessions, friends, lovers - these are impermanent, they are given to us so that once they are gone, we are stripped down to ourselves, and we get the chance to see what is left." (paraphrased)

I'm still standing, people. And this will get better. I know it will.

12/5/02

So, I am supposed to be working, but I am obsessed with getting this new journal online. I am also obsessed with this new design and adding in all the content to the new site. Problem is, that I have about two and a half years of crap to sort through from the old site and I have no desire to put it all back online. *sigh* This is turning into quite the project for me. I didn't quite expect it to be so involved.

In other news, I am switching to a new hosting company. I need one that will host CGI scripts and have a Perl enabled server so that I can run Movable Type. Yippppppeeee! I have wanted to use that since I first started seeing it online forever and a day ago....

I am sad to yank my site from my current hosting co, seeing as I worked for them for a long time and I love them dearly, and the domain hosting was free, but I need to upgrade. So, I am switching to another hosting co, that I work for a few days a week. I think that this will be good, even if it costs me $15 a month.

Okay, the caffeine has hit and I am off and running. Time to slap the keys and get this updated. At least until my eyes begin to blur and the caffeine buzz wears off...

-Jenn

12/4/02

Welcome to my new and improved design. I am working on getting my online journal back up and running, but at this point I have taken it down.

I think I might try and use something besides blogger, so y'all might have to wait a few days for the rusty programmer/geek to figure it out....

In the meantime, check out the new site and let me know what you think - jenn@webdemon.org

xoxoxo

Jenn