1/28/03
So, I have added a new section to my website, my portfolio. You can feel free to check it out, if you are interested in any manner. I really need to drum up some side jobs for myself, so I am passing out business cards with my domain listed.
It's a tad frightening to think of handing out business cards to potential clients with my personal domain, where I am not too shy about writing all about my life, but I figure that if anyone really takes me too seriously, then screw em'. I don't need the business that badly. ;-)
Otherwise, life in Jenn-Land is good. Chloe moved in. It is so nice to have more female energy in this house. The woman has washed every dish she has used, and when she opens the door to her room, it smells delicious! No more stinky boy smell in my house! (sorry Mike)
I am working my tenth step, and I have to reflect on a daily basis where I was either acting on defects or assets, and really take a look as to whether or not I have been living my program or not. The answer to that for the last few days would be "No".
I have been totally pissed off and hormonal. (and for any men who read this who happen to be of the opinion that PMS is nothing but a lame excuse women use - I am here to tell you that it is totally real and it SUCKS) I have been irrationally angry and basically a total freak. Let me tell you, that I am not a nice person when I have PMS. For the most part, I am generally a very laid back and sweet woman. I am kind and friendly and relatively level-headed.
When I am hormonal, you better watch out. It's frightening to watch someone flash from being happy and fine, to screaming or being so angry they look like a lobster having an aneurism, to then sobbing and crying like a thirteen year old who has just been dumped for the first time. I'm sorry, but I can't take myself too seriously when I am in this space. I have to just laugh at myself. It's totally ridiculous.
Poor Tony. I have gotten much better at keeping myself in check, but he still gets the brunt of it. Luckily, I have not done or said anything I have to apologize for this time. Whew, safe for another three months. LOL
Anyways, enough with the essay about PMS. I am doing ok, and moving on. Life is in session, and I am grateful to be a student.
1/22/03
It's been a while since I've really posted in here, sorry kids. I have just been so busy with work and school and life. It's in session! I took my three years clean a few weeks ago, and I took a ton of cakes. It was really rewarding. This year was exceptionally hard for me for some odd reason. I think I just had a lot of drama happen.
Anyways, in other news... I am back in school. Yes, I finally did it. I jumped over the fear about it and i just enrolled in a class. I am taking an advanced Photoshop course online. I know, it seems easy, but the class is a three unit course, so this is no small beans. Plus I figured it would be easy for me to start with something that really interests me, that I am good at anyways.
We are getting a new roommate, my friend Chloe. I am really excited to have her move in, since she is a close friend of mine, she is in recovery and she is amazing! We have been nicknamed the "twin Towers" - two tall blondes, Tony is a lucky guy. LOL
So, not much else is new. Life is good, it has resumed it's normalcy for now. I am grateful and I am happy.
1/14/03
For Tony......
Sweet Baby by Macy Gray
Many times I've been told that I should go
but they dont know
what we got baby
then they not see the love in you
but love i do
and i'm staying right here
ummm sweet sweet baby life is crazy
but there's one thing
i am sure of
that I'm your lady
always baby
and I love you now and ever
Suga wishes dont change what is real
or how it feels in the bad times
forever he is, he's mine all the time
and we get by with our true love
ummm sweet sweet baby life is crazy
but there's one thing
i am sure of
that I'm your lady
always baby
and I love you now and ever
ummm sweet baby life is crazy
but there's one thing
i am sure of
that I'm your lady
always baby
and I love you now and ever
I bet would I ever find, my sweet
just a true love, my sweet
that we come this far together
I bet so I'm here to stay
cos without you baby
I cant go any further
ummm sweet baby life is crazy
but there's one thing
i am sure of
that I'm your lady
always baby baby
mah mah ever mah mah ever mah mah sweet sweet baby
life is so sweet with you
sweet with you
sweet
sweet with...
1/9/03
Happy Three Years Clean to me!
I am reading this amazing book, called "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch. There is this paragraph that just jumped off the page into my head, and I thought it was so profoundly true that I decided to post it.
"How vast was a human being's capacity for suffering. The only thing you could do was stand in awe of it. It wasn't a question of survival at all. It was the fullness of it, how much could you hold, how much could you care."
1/5/03
"How grateful can you say you are just to be here and live through it?" - Ani D.
Today I am going to practice gratitude. I am sort of having a hard time, after all the drama of the last few weeks are now over, just dealing with my feelings that are left over from it.
My best friend is having a baby, my other best friends are getting married. I am totally buying into that Cinderella-white-picket-fence bullshit that gets programmed into many women's heads as a kid. Why not me????
Well, for starters, because right now I dont want or need those things. Some day I do. Some day I want to get married again, and buy a house, start a family, and settle down into "marital bliss". But not today. It's not the time right now.
I recognize that and I know with all of my heart that when the time is right, I can choose to have those things. So, for right now I am focusing on the positive.
I am grateful that I turn three this week. I have had almost three years
of freedom from the hell of active addiction.
I am grateful for Tony and the fact that he is clean.
I am grateful for all the amazing friends I have been blessed with.
I am grateful for my three kitties, my house on the beach and the city
I live in.
I am grateful for my amazing family.
I am grateful to live in a free country, to be able to choose to do what
I want. I am grateful to be a recovering addict who can freely meet when
and where I choose.
I am grateful for this beautiful, hot weather we are having in January.
I am grateful for a job that I love.
I am grateful for the food on the table, and the fact that I am not starving.
I am grateful for my good health and the fact that I have health insurance,
and I can afford to take care of myself.
I am grateful to have a connection with a God of my understanding.
That's enough for now, I have to go out to Santa Barbara with Jeannie to help her find a wedding dress...
1/1/03
Happy New Year.
This year, I make no resolutions, except to live in the moment. To live one day at a time. I heard that last night at a meeting, and I found it profound.
Why spend the last minutes or hours of 2002, thinking about all the ways I fucked up last year, and all the things I wish I had done, and what I am going to "do different" next year? That just distracts me from the here and the now.
I choose to live in the moment. At the moment, I am a bit discontent, a little bit uncomfortable in my skin. But I have a full belly, and a hot cup of cinnamon tea. I have a nice warm house, and three beautiful kitties.
I have a man I love here with me, and I am okay. I have the prospect of another 365 days this year to live freely and choose one day at a time.
That's enough for now.
By the way, I think that congratulations are in order. My best friend since the seventh grade discovered last night that she and her husband are expecting. Oh my, a Virgo. I am so happy for her, and I can't wait to meet this little one. Congratulations, Les. I love you.