7-30-03
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in
the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you
can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because
that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious
thoughts in your mind..
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
-George Carlin
7-27-03
Well, as predicted - it did not last long. :-)
I am okay, and he is still alive. He's clean again, and staying with his new sponsor. Things have changed a lot for me in the last week. I am sitting in a lot of gratitude for the way my higher power has worked in my life and his in the last week.
Changes have happened for me. I am doing something different. I am scared about how to keep doing this, but at the same time - a weird thing happened. I hit a bottom with myself, and with this situation, and I have chosen to seek help for myself and MY problem. I am choosing to try and stop focusing on HIS problem, and just fucking focus on mine.
Things are different already. I can't say I am comfortable with any of it, but I have a lot of hope that I am going to be just fine, regardless of what he chooses for himself.
Prayer works - thank you all so much for your prayers. They really did help.
7-25-03
Well, I am still alive. I am spending a lot of time in tears, and a lot of time feeling numb. I am doing my best to "keep my focus on ME" and not on him, but after so many years of practicing the latter, that is really fucking hard.
I realized that I am EXPECTING as opposed to HOPING. It was explained to me that expecting is when I think that something outside of my control should work out a certain way, and then when it does not, I am paralyzed, angry and really hurt by that fact. Hoping is when I say to myself "Well, I hope that this turns out this way, but if it doesn't then I know that God has other plans for me." I guess it would be about trying to be flexible, and patient.
The waiting is really hard. I am one for instant gratification. So, in this situation, I am harboring a belief that because I have taken some different action this time, the result will immediately be different. And it is. It is immediately different for ME, though. Not for him.
God, I am so good at thinking that I am God, and I know what it best for all around me. It's the biggest struggle that I have in my spiritual path - the waiting and trying to sit in KNOWING that God is in charge, and turn my will and my life over to God.
So here's something interesting. Every morning, I sit down and try to have a meditation. Since I am still new to this practice, I am trying to close my eyes, and open a book that I have, and let my fingers travel to the page that I need to read for that day.
Three times in the last few weeks, my fingers have placed me on this reading from "Faith in the Valley - Lessons for Women on the Journey to Peace" by Iyanla Vanzant
"Dear God,
Please order my thoughts today. Place in my mind those things
that are a priority to You. Those things which will establish divine order
in this life You have given me. Take away the thoughts, habits, attitudes
which create fear and keep me from being in alignment with Your will.
Help me to see things through Your eyes, according to Your law. Take away
every thought, want, unconcious and conscious urge that can place me on
the treadmill of pain and confusion. Fill my mind with Your will, Your
way, Your desire for me today. Help me to see all things from a divine
perspective today, a perspective of love, peace and joy. And then, Lord,
guide me to act accordingly. Thank you, God."
Do you think that the universe is trying to tell me something?
7-24-03
Thank you everyone who posted comments to me. It was really wonderful to get all those emails of support and understanding this morning and yesterday.
I am doing okay. Actually, considering the night I had - I am doing better than I ever imagined I could be.
He is still using, and he is still denying he is loaded. With such vehemence, that sometimes I start to think that I am the crazy one, and I am imagining things. It's textbook alanon. Fuck.
But I have been strong. I have not been answering the phone, nor the door. Yesterday, I had to call another addict in recovery to stay with me on the phone until he finally left my house. She did, and I successfully managed to not talk to him most of the day. He showed up at the meeting, wasted and I wanted to leave, but my sponsor, who came to support me there, told me I was not allowed to leave. That is my home group meeting, in which I have a committment, and she told me I needed to set an example and sit my ass down.
Then I had 2 girlfriends come over last night, and I am glad they did. He came over at 11pm, knocking, saying he needed some things. So I let him in because they were there, and then he packed up and left with a scene. He came back over at 3 am and began banging on the door. I waited 15 minutes, and then finally told him he had ten minutes to leave before I called the police to escort him off my property. He didn't, and they came.
I hate having to do this. But I feel like I have no choice left. I am not going to rescue him anymore from the consequences of his active addiction. He can go to a fucking homeless shelter. He can go to a recovery home. He cannot come here. He cannot bang on my door, yelling for me to let him in at 3 am and wreck my life here. My neighbors could call the rental company and complain and I could be evicted. I am not willing to suffer those consequences, neither am I willing to let him stay.
He came back at 6 am, and passed out on his suitcase in the hall of the complex. Once again, I warned him to leave before I called the police again. He did not, and I called them again.
He is gone now, and I am praying he just goes somewhere else. Unfortunately, he probably will be back. I am breaking a pattern with him, and he is not liking it. Usually, he can push and push me and he will eventually get his way. But I am trying to do this differently. I am trying to stop pushing back. I am trying to just say no to him and mean it every time.
I still love him. But I love Tony, not the asshole who is banging on my door at 3am, denying the totally obvious. He is out of his mind, and the man I love is not home. The man I love does not do these things, he does not disrespect me like this, or act in this manner. His disease does, though. And I am fucking sick and tired of his disease. Fuck his disease.
My life feels like a fucking soap opera or a jerry springer talk show episode. But I know that I am setting into motion a chain of events that will be different. I am not going to have the expectation that they will play out like I want them to - that he will hit bottom and get clean. But yes, I hope that will happen. What I do know, is that by doing this, I am reclaiming MY LIFE. For the first time in 8 months, I am taking action despite my fear, and I am standing up for myself and saying that this IS NOT OKAY ANYMORE.
I appreciate the prayers. I think that they are helping. Because the woman who closed the door in his face last night was not doing that alone. I believe that my HP is doing for me what I cannot do for myself and doing it with the support and love of the people in my life who are praying for me, or hugging me, encouraging me, staying with me. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. Please don't stop. And pray for Tony too, as he is suffering the worst of it.
This will get better. I will be okay. I just gotta keep hanging on through it, no matter what.
7-22-03
So folks, are you ready for some reality? I need to get this out. I think I need to just be balls to the wall, honest and truthful. No more beating around the bush, no more being vague. I need to write about how I am feeling and what is going on. There's no saving your ass and your face at the same time, right?
T relapsed again yesterday. I knew, just like every other fucking time, that this was going to happen. It's like this totally bizarre 6th sense with him. I just KNOW. And every time, this part of me sits in denial, and tells myself that it's not happening, this cant be true, but I KNOW.
He just flicked on like a switch, and went out and scored. He knew the consequences of his actions, and he did it anyways. I have no idea why this surprises and baffles me, as I am an addict too, and I am fully aware that when I am in the disease, nothing, I mean NOTHING matters but using. But it is so different being on the other side of the fence.
I found his shit within 4 hours of him scoring it, and I kicked him out immediately. It was about midnight when he finally left, and I slept little last night. He showed up on the doorstep at 3:30 am and I let him in, I was too tired to fight anymore.
He left this morning again, after a huge argument, with $160 and a backpack. I cried for most of the entire day, except when I was at work for 2 1/2 hours. I came home, and a friend called, she came over. I cried. I cried some more, I slept, I cried, I used the phone, I cried. I went to a meeting, I shared recovery, nothing about what is going on. I dont want to be in the spotlight anymore with this. I have the few select people I talk to about it, and that is it.
I asked my sponsee to help keep me accountable by calling me every day. I called my sponsor, and did the same. I am doing what I have learned to do in the past 8 months of this happening, and I guess I feel a little better for it.
But I still feel like I am dying inside.
I absolutely HATE this. I felt, in the last 30 days, for the first time since he relapsed, a glimmer of real and sincere hope. I felt like maybe, just maybe he was really done. I was so encouraged by what he was doing - taking action on his own, keeping in close contact with his sponsor, going to meetings every day, etc etc.
For the first time in a really long, long time, I felt like I had the man that I love back. I am so absolutely and totally in love with him. It is hard for me to even try and think about what my life would be without him in it. I am sure I would live, believe me, I am not that dramatic. But, RIGHT NOW, I cannot imagine being happy or being in love with anyone else. I have been with him for so long, it feels so totally right with him. He is my best friend and such a large piece of my life, it feels really empty to think of him being gone from it.
And I grabbed on to that hope I felt with a lot of gusto and force. I grabbed it and I let down my guard, and I fell right back in, and now I am sitting here, just absolutely reeling. I am right back in the powerlessness of it, the fear, the anger and the hurt. I feel stupid, for trusting him again. I feel ashamed that I am still with this man after all the hurt he has caused and after all we have gone through. And then I feel ashamed for being ashamed. I love him. Somewhere, in my mind - that is supposed to be enough.
I feel terrified of what I know I need to do. I moved out. I DID that. And it was really hard, but I was ready to go. Then I let him come stay here until he found a place on the one factor - he stays clean. He did not, and he can't stay here anymore. I made him leave. It was hard, but I did it.
Now, I know that somehow, I have to stick to my guns, and not let him stay here again. That is not hard to do when he is loaded. I have no tolerance for that shit in my home. The hard part for me, is when he gets clean again. Because, providing that he doesn't die or got to jail, this run he is on won't last. I know how this goes. He runs out of money, and has no place to stay - he gets clean.
How do I look at this man that I adore with every ounce of my being, this man who I MISS, and who I LOVE, and who I want more than anything to be with for the rest of my life, and tell him that he needs to be clean at least 30 days before he can stay here. How the fuck do I tell him he has to sleep in the park? How do I do that? It feels like I am turning my back on him.
But I also know, that a lot of people had to do that to me before I was able to GET CLEAN for myself. I can't carry him anymore. My "helping" is actually doing more hurting. I KNOW all that. But knowing and doing are two different things. I can tell you , that by far - this is the hardest thing I have ever walked through in recovery. And I am scared he is going to die. And that if he did, I would want to as well.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not planning suicide. I just mean that I am scared. Really, really really scared. And I am hurting. This is my life, my choices, my consequences. I know this. I chose it. I didnt choose to fall in love with him, but I have chosen to put myself in the path of his disease for a long time now, and as a result, mine talks to his - they play.
I am sick and I am suffering. I am in pain, and I don't know how to move through this. I feel helpless and hopeless right now. I feel lonely and I feel scared. My faith is there, but I feel a lot more fear than faith right now.
I would like to make a request. My sponsor told me to keep praying. She also told me to ask for others to pray for me, that I will have the courage and faith that I need to stick to my boundaries with him, and get through this. I am sick in my disease too - more my codependency, but also in my addiction. So, please - if you pray, pray for me. Please pray for T, too. He is suffering, and sick.
"That probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism - but that God could and would if he were sought" - AA Big Book
Thanks for listening.
7-21-03
As I am finding that I am sorely lacking the ability to formulate a stimulating journal entry today, I have ceremoniously decided to post pictures from my weekend instead. I have borrowed a nice digital camera for the weekend, hence all my recent photo entries. :-)
Friday Night -
Graced with the wonderful likes of Jeannie (and baby Talon), Chris (the blondie) and Orion.
Saturday Night -
Making Baby Blanket for Baby Jordan with Mom. (It turned out beautiful!)
Sunday -
Baby Shower for my oldest and dearest friend, Lesley. She is having a baby too! A baby girl named Jordan. I forced everyone at the shower to play ridiculous games and then made them pose for pictures for me.
Finally, I saw a large wiener on the Highway on the way home. Joy.
Sounds like fun, huh? Bet you wish you were me. :-)
7-17-03
Here is what we did this afternoon - FABULOUS!
And here is what we did tonight. I forced Tony to help me with my work. As, you can see - this was a very bad, bad idea.
Good times, Good times....
Hey - Jeannie and Chris come to visit tomorrow! Yeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh~!
7-14-03
i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to
Joyful Girl - Ani Difranco
I am listening to this song right now, and I felt compelled to write about my gratitude. Today Kim turned 4 years clean - (go wish her a happy one!), and I have found myself thinking a lot about where I came from, and where I am today.
I know that sometimes I bitch and moan, and whine about my life, and the trivial things that can sometimes bend me so far out of whack with reality. I constantly negotiate with chaos and try to bend and mold life to be on my terms, and it always screws me up. But the truth today- MY truth today, is that my life is so amazingly blessed. I am so lucky and honored to have been blessed with the gift of recovery.
I am blessed with so many other things too, today. My family, my boyfriend, my friends, my jobs, my house, a nice car. I could go on and on. I need to remember these things, when I allow the immediate "problem" I am having become so large in my life that I forget these things I am so grateful for.
I have a friend who is relapsing right now. She is out there, and crazy. Her life has turned to shit in a matter of weeks, and I went over to her house to check on her today, and the vibe I got when I walked up the stairs sickened me and made me so goddamn happy to be clean all at once.
It took me back to my life 4 years ago, and the places I haunted in my disease. I got this sick feeling in my stomach, and I got chills. I HATE that feeling. And I have not forgotten the desperate, sick, crazed life I had before I got here.
I hated who I had become, and wherever I went - I could not escape myself. The drugs quit working, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not turn off my head. It's like Kim says in her blog - "i needed to mend the madness screaming in my mind which never stopped, it was almost like static on the TV turned up full volume."
Fuck yeah, I can relate to that statement.
So, right now - I am choosing to sit in this immense gratitude that I am feeling. I don't have to score today- I don't have to worry about meeting the dope man, or fucking someone for my share - I dont have to worry about stealing or calling in sick to whatever job I had at the moment, or look in the mirror and not know who is staring back at me, or how am I going to get out of this one. I don't have to do that today.
Today, I am sipping coffee and tapping away on my computer in my nice clean house, and I feel serene, despite all the things in my life that are happening that I don't like. I feel happy even though I don't know how I am going to pay my bills, or if my friend will make it back to the rooms before she dies, or whether or not I can get all the things I have committed to doing done this week.
Today I get to be an example. Even if I am sometimes a pathtic one. I am still an example of a woman in recovery, who isn't doing it perfectly, but one who is staying clean, and feeling grateful. I'm growing and learning.
So yeah, today and quite often - I AM a joyful girl. In that song, Ani goes on to say -
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way
no? well o.k. then
don't cry
The road I am on is not always easy - but it is so much easier than the one I used to travel. Really.
7-9-03
I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. I guess that I have had a lot of it lately. It's strange, the way that I can be feeling so many different emotions at once, and learn how to sit in them, without being insane, or acting out.
I have been faced a lot lately with the knowledge of my character defects. I am on my tenth step, and it seems like the opportunity to take a look at some of the more unmanageable aspects of my life, the ways I act out and the ways my disease manifests itself in my everyday life, has come on heavy lately.
I realized yesterday, with a profound sort of "slap" upside the head, that I have been sitting in a lot of ego lately, and not the way that I normally would be. You see, I am in way, way, way over my head with my finances. I have always been sort of an ass with money. I'm impulsive, and greedy at times, and I like to spend money like there is no tomorrow. I do this without thinking of the ways it will affect me, and then I sit in the consequences of it.
Some of these consequences have been that I feel a constant guilt and shame over money I owe. I feel like I am drowning in my debt, and I feel like there is no way out. Now, my experience has taught me otherwise - I KNOW that I will be okay. I know that the finances will come and go, and if I buckle down, I can get myself out of the pickle I am in.
However, I realized that I get into this place all to often for my own comfort anymore. I am ready to really take a look at WHY I continue to do this. I recognize that I do it, and I know the consequences, but I keep on doing it. Sound familar?? - "repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results"
So, I was talking to another addict, who I ADORE, who always tells me like she sees it, and without any dancing around my feelings, and she asked me "well, what are you getting out of your negative actions?"
What? What do you mean? I HATE the results of what I do! How can I be getting something out of it? And then we continued talking, and I realized that yes, I do get something out of it - otherwise I would not continue to do it.
So, what do I get out of my frivolous and carefree money wasting? Well, instant gratification is one thing. I also "feel" differently when I spend money. If I am having a bad day, and I take myself out to an expensive lunch, then I get to get out of those feelings for a brief while. If I buy some new pants, then I feel "better". It's distraction at it's best for me.
But also, what I get is that I get to "appear" as if I am something that I am not. I get to pretend that I am financially secure. When someone asks me to go to dinner, I say "Yeah, sure..." even if I can't fucking afford it - I say yes anyways. So, instead of telling the truth - "I can't - I have no money" and risk looking like I am broke, I LIE about it and go anyways.
So, there is my EGO problem. How weird, to see the sneaky way that my defects can manifest themselves in my little life. And here is where the gratitude comes in -
I am so fucking grateful that I have the opportunity to see this today. I am grateful that i recognize my disease in all of it's costumes today. My disease is really just anything that distracts or separates me from living a life of spiritual principles. And how beatiful that I can take the opportunity to move on from this, and not be stuck in it!
I am grateful to be clean and growing today.
7-6-03
The WCNA 30 convention was phenomenal. Tony and I drove home late last night. Oh my God, I feel so much gratitude today.
It was fun to hang out with all of those recovering addicts, and see all my friends, meet some new ones, and fellowship. It was amazing to see how many people were there from all over the world.
It was great to hear about how NA started, as it was our 50th birthday celebration, there was a lot of history there and I learned a lot about how it used to be. I hear people who helped to start this fellowship talk about going to jail for going to meetings. Fuck.
It made me so grateful, and humbled. I came to NA, and it was here for me when I needed it. However, it has not always been that way. The people who came before me paved a way for all addicts to find recovery., and it was so powerful to hear their stories, and to imagine how it was for them, or how it might be for me if not for them.
The best part of the entire weekend was last night at the main speaker meeting. There were 20,000 recovering addicts in the San Diego Convention Center - and then they hooked us up via telephone conference to 108 different places where other addicts could join us - there were prisoners from prison on the line, addicts in Bolivia, Russia, and other places - and we all took place in a worldwide moment - we all said the serenity prayer together.
The power I felt in that moment was huge. It was the most solid connection I have ever felt to something in my life. I felt this rush of gratitude, humilty, honor and awe all at once. I cried and so did many, many others. It was one of those moments that I think truly make up life. A snapshot that I get to keep in my heart and mind forever.
Thank you NA...
7-3-03
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary
-Foo Fighters - "My Hero"
There is this man I know who is generous, compassionate, honest, and courageous. He is loyal. He is brilliant. He is ordinary, but not - at the same time.
He is funny, charming, in integrity with himself - basically he is just plain all-around amazing. He is an example of a young man coming into his own, a young man who is learning to be a MAN, and he is doing an exceptional job of it.
I have known him all of my life, and he is my hero.
He is also my brother.
His name is Jeremy, and he has been my angel for as long as I can remember. When he was born, he became MY baby. He and I have had this amazing, close and unbreakable relationship for our entire lives.
Jeremy stood by me, through all of my troubles, through my addiction, my failed marriage, failed relationships, my broken relationships with my parents. He was the one who was there when I went to face my father for the first time in my entire life. He went for ME, not himself. He is and was there for me without judgement, and always, always with love.
Jeremy was the one person, who after all those years of suffering in my disease, finally was able to be that light of truth - that one moment of clarity for me that finally resulted in me getting clean. He is my best friend. And I am so honored and proud to be his sister, and to know this amazing man.
Today I watched him be sworn in to the Fresno City Fire Department. I sat there, barely able to contain my joy, exuberance, pride and fear all at once. I started to cry and I didn't even care. He is committing himself to civil service, to be selfless, courageous and take risks - all so that others can be safe.
He will be that one person, for many people, that they will remember always, as saving them, or their child, or their house. He will be that knight in shining armor. And the best thing is that he would be embarrassed to be called that. He is humble, and sometimes being his sister humbles me.
I am so proud of him, that my chest hurts and I have a weird lump in my throat thinking of it. I am just so proud of him, and I am in awe. Congratulations, kid. You are fantastic.
I love you, Jeremy.
(I'm off to San Diego for the World NA convention - and I shall have lots to talk about when I return!)
7-1-2003
So - I finally got my comments working. It's about time. I have been procrastinating forever on doing this, because I really wanted to use Movable Type. But for some reason, the hosting company won't install the MYSQL backend properly. Anyways, I fixed it and now I have aspcomments! Comment away, please...
My friends Chris and Jeannie have moved to Reno. I am happy for them, but I was mad at them too. Sometimes, I am totally irrational - when they first told me that they were leaving, I thought - "You can't leave! What will I do without you guys? You assholes! How DARE you!?" Then, immediately feeling stupid for being so fucking self-centered, I got over that and tried to be supportive.
Nonetheless, I miss them already. Jeannie reads my weblog, so I can keep her abreast of my world with the website and we will talk on the phone, I am sure all the time. But it feels weird to have them gone. Both Chris and Jeannie have been like my rocks in all of this drama in my life the past 7 months.
I am sure (actually, I KNOW) that they were so sick of hearing me cry, and being involved in all of this shit, but they kept on with me anyways. When I was a lunatic, they both loved me, and let me be a lunatic. When I was acting stupid, they gently (or not so gently, depending on how well I was listening) reminded me of what I needed to do. When I was crying and crying and felt like my whole world was shattering in front of my own eyes, they came over, or opened their door to me, made me tea, rubbed my back, listened to me spew and spew, until, finally - I felt cleansed enough of my emotions to go back home to the shit, or go to sleep on their couch. And as sick as they might have been of me and of T - they checked on us regularly, making sure we were ok.
Chris and Jeannie are two of the finest examples of friends in recovery that I know. Chris and I have always been tight, but Jeannie and I traversed a rocky road in the beginning of our friendship. We pushed through it, and learned to communicate, and I am proud today of the woman she is, and the woman I am - I like to think that we helped each other get to that place.
I don't do well with loss. I am still not even sure it's hit me - they don't live in that house on Harbor anymore. I can't call Jeannie and tell her to come over. I can't call Chris and tell him to cruise on over - and sneak a cigarette with me (sorry, Jeannie). I really, really miss them.
I am proud of them for taking a leap of faith - going to start their family in another state, where they can offer their kids more financially. I wish them both the best in the world. I will come and visit. I will call frequently. On to the next phase in life, I guess. Moving on is part of growing up.
But nobody said I had to like it....
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