7-29-2004
Well, it's almost time to go home, and in 1 hour, I am officially ON VACATION!
*roar of applause, shrieks and other obnoxious noises*
I am leaving Saturday morning for Victoria, BC. I know, I know - I don't NEED a passport for this momentous occasion, but I'm going to have them stamp mine anyways. It will be the first of many...
I'm looking forward to my trip. I am hoping to see lots of beautiful scenery, eat good food, sleep in, and enjoy my mom's company (if I don't kill her by the end of the trip). Oh, and I'm planning on going to an NA meeting there too. Fabulous!
I am just in dire need of some alone time, some away time (especially from the office). Once I get back, I will be neck-deep in work for the next two months, so I am going to enjoy every second.
For now, I am off - have to do lots of things before I leave (because of course, in usual Jenn-style, everything has been left to the last minute). I won't be posting till I get back, and then I will regale you with wordy and superfluous tales of my great adventure!
7-27-2004
Speaking in tongues
I feel better today. Hallelujah. No posts about how miserable I feel...
*crowd cheers*
*removed the post written this morning. it was stupid.*
7-26-2004
I'm pumping baby...
Its Monday, and I feel like caca. My legs are still hurting, but I had a mostly pain-free weekend, which was good. What has changed, however, is that I am on the insulin pump!
I was so worried about NOTHING. I mean, it's weird to be wearing something all the time, attached to me. BUT, for the most part I have already purchased several very cool little accessories that allow me to hide the pump really well. No one can even tell that I am the BIONIC robot girl. LOL
Except for Tony, when he sees me in my underwear. He and I agreed that it's just going to take some time to get used to it on me. He is so sweet, and funny. I think I could have a fork stuck out of my head and he would still find me beautiful... so that helps.
Since I got on the pump on Friday, my BG's have been more stable, and I only see it getting more solid! Yeee! I see the light, folks! I feel better just knowing that soon I really will feel better!
Otherwise, my weekend was uneventful. I went to a big beach bonfire on Saturday night. There were about 30 of my recovering friends there, and it was fun. We lit off an assload of fireworks left over from the 4th, and talked a lot of shit. Good times...
Salsa festival yesterday in Oxnard. Booooring. Even the salsas were boring. Or maybe I was just being a boring girl... it's all in perspective, huh?
Happy Moan-day...
7-22-2004
america, the ________?
i laughed so hard just now, i disrupted my entire office building. yeeeeee!
Color me belligerent
I am in a foul mood. I am in a lot of pain, and I am so fucking frustrated right now I feel like crying and then wrecking some shit. Tearing up my office sounds totally gratifying at the moment.
Obviously, I'm not going to do that, seeing as my employer would frown upon it and I might just lose my job. Although, not having a job also sounds good right now to me. I almost wish I was on disability so that I could just fucking stay home and take care of myself, as opposed to feeling guilty when I miss work, and then pushing myself to come in when I really shouldn't.
I have something called Acute Reversible Neuropathy in my legs and my feet. The only good part about that is the "reversible" part. The rest of it sucks like you would not even believe. My feet, my legs and my thighs hurt like I have been running for miles. Then they fall asleep, and tingle. Then I get a stabbing pain, a bad one in all different areas. My stupid feet will be totally swollen by noon, and walking then begins to hurt.
I am just in a lot of pain. I am also emotionally exhausted. I am so tired of feeling like I have no control over something that I was able to keep in check for a long time. The doctors keep telling me that this is temporary, and it's happening because my BG's have been so unstable. But even yesterday, I had a good day as far as my glucose readings all day - they were in the normal range, and this neuropathy was happening anyways. This tells me that it may take some time to go away. Even after I get on the pump, and level out - I may still have the neuropathy for a while.
I guess I am just struggling with all of this. It feels really heavy and scary. I feel like I am "sick" all the time, and I am. I'm tired a lot, in a bad mood frequently, and just not my normal cheerful self. I hate it. I want to be energetic and active again.
I had a really good three days, Friday, Saturday and Sunday - where I felt more like my normal self - and I was really grateful for that. It made me realize what a toll this has taken on my body and mind.
Sorry to give you all a bitching session again, but I just needed to get that off my chest.
I am so grateful for my friends, and family and my boyfriend, who have all been so supportive and sweet to me. It would definitely make this harder without their support and love.
That's it for today...
7-19-2004
Did you know that I like the Reverend Horton Heat?
Today is a beautiful day. It's sunny, warm and the clouds are spread across the sky in a perfectly fluffy spray of white and light blues. Today I love living in Southern California. I took a walk across campus this morning, and the air smells like summer - cut grass and eucalyptus. It is truly glorious outside this morning.
I am in a strangely good mood, considering how tired I am and how I loathe Mondays. Since I have been such a brat in this blog lately, I thought maybe I'd blow a bit of sunshine up your ass on a Monday -
Here is why I am happy today:
1) I had a really nice weekend. I spent the entire day yesterday with T, we had a date day. I really needed a day out of town with him. I have basically been very closed, tired and cranky lately, and I've been avoiding him so as to not start a fight that would be completely about me and my neuroticism.
2) My verrry good friend is coming home today from his attempt at life in another state. It did not work out, and I'll get to see him after work today. Joy!
3) My MP3 player is loaded up with the Rev, Tiger Army and Social Distortion.
4) I am picking up a HUGE check tonight (hopefully) from my client, and paying off a bunch of bills. I might go shopping too. (shhhhhhhhhhhh!)
5) I will hopefully get on my insulin pump this week, and start FEELING BETTER!
6) My trip to Victoria, BC is in less than 2 weeks. That means VACATION FROM 6am alarm clocks for an entire week, folks!
7-16-2004
It's definitely Friday...
Today, at work seeing as my lack of focus is seriously impacting my ability to do any programming or coherently write a technical support document, I have instead decided to update my "All About Me" section, if you want to take a look.
I'll have to admit, I crack myself up sometimes.
7-14-2004
Firsts, Lasts and Other Pointless questions
FIRSTS
First job: Lifeguard, Simi Valley Parks and Recreation District
First screen name: Jenny23 (because I wanted the boys to think I WAS
23)
First self-purchased CD: I cant remember, but if I
had to guess it would be The Doors or Pink Floyd’s The Wall
First piercing/tattoo: First of MANY, would be the now-covered butterfly
on my ankle
First true love: Dan from Big Bear, that poor guy.
First enemy: Lori C from Junior High. Spit balls are not cool to shoot
through straws at painfully shy girls in Spanish class, Lori.
LASTS
Last big car ride: 2 weekends ago, went to Santa Monica and Frasier Park
with Tony
Last kiss: last night, Tony.
Last library book checked out: Dry, Augusten Burroughs – So good I went
out and bought myself a copy to keep.
Last movie seen: Rented - The Butterfly Effect, it was pretty good.
Theater – The
Day after Tomorrow, Stoooopid.
Last beverage drank: Coffee, of course.
Last food consumed: Egg and Cheese Omelet, Sausage links and a croissant.
*yummy*
Last phone call: Jeannie, to inform me that the cat
shit on the rug in the living room.
Last CD played: Punk Compilation made by Tony (Dead Boys, LA’s Wasted
Youth, Buzzcocks, Dickies) He will educate me yet!
Last annoyance: This stupid blood glucose monitor embedded in my abdomen
and having to try and take a shower with it this morning!
Last pop drank: diet coke, yesterday with lunch
Last ice cream eaten: About 1 month ago, I had Daquiri Ice… J
Last shirt worn: A light green cotton button-up blouse,
today.
I...
am: Sometimes brilliant, Sometimes stupid. Always real.
want: serenity
have: so much!
wish: that my health was better
hate: ignorance and intolerance
fear: abandonment
hear: the water cooler, my typing, someone walking down the hall in
my office
search: google for insulin pump accessories
wonder: if I will ever be as perfect as I think I should be.
regret: nothing
love: Tony, My Family, and Friends, My H.P and my kitties
always: eventually come around
am not: all the ugly things I sometimes tell
myself I am.
dance: frequently. Sometimes in public and lots of times when I’m alone.
I especially love to do the “air guitar” dance for my girl, Tina.
I love her laugh.
sing: rarely in key.
cry: frequently.
YES or NO:
You keep a diary: a journal, yes. You’re reading the public one. The
private one is @ home.
You like to cook: Yes, and I am good at it too!
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone:
Not anymore. 4th step, children!
DO YOU...?
Have a crush: yes but we dont talk about this here.
Want to get married: maybe, when I'm ready for it
Get motion sickness: Nope. Not so far.
Think you're a health freak: Uhhh, no. But am getting there.
Current hair color: red
Eye color: brown
Birthplace: Northridge, CA
FAVORITES
Number: 8
Color: RED
Day: Saturday
Month: July
Songs: So many, how can I list them all?
Season: Summer
Drink: Iced Tea (made how grandma used to make it)
PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: make out
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: coffee, people!
Milk, dark, or white chocolate: white
Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
Cried? yes
Helped someone? Yes.
Bought something? Yes, dinner at the Natural Café and Breakfast at
work. Oh, and a pack of cigarettes.
Gotten sick? Yes, I have been sick for three weeks! MMMMKKKKAAYY???
Gone to the movies? No.
Said 'I love you'? Yes.
Written a real letter? No.
Talked to an ex? No.
Missed an ex? hell no ;)
Written in a journal? This one.
Had a serious talk? No.
Missed someone? Yes. My mom.
Hugged someone? Yes, actually I
have hugged Tina, Tony, Jeannie, Jessi and Mike. Wow. I’m
a hugger. :)
7-7-2004
10:20am
So, I just got off the phone with my doctor's office and I will be going in tomorrow to see the doctor about going on the insulin pump.
You have no idea how much I HATE THIS FUCKING idea. I can't stand the idea of being attached to a machine, but I have been working my ass off for three months, trying to get my diabetes under control and I have yet to be really successful at it. Some days, my numbers are great, other days, I am all over the map.
The problem is that I do not want to die young, or end up blind, or with no foot from diabetes related complications. I have to be real about my disease, and no matter how much I want to pretend like I am just like you, I have to come to terms with the fact that I live with an illness that can kill me if I treat it lightly. I need to stop living in denial and come to terms with this.
I hate my diabetes. I have been angry and frustrated that I have this since I was a kid and got diagnosed with it. I dont like being bodily different from you, having to test my sugar all the time, having to take insulin shots, not being able to eat whatever I want, etc.
But yeah, it's no cancer or MS or any of those numerous other diseases I could be sticken with. But it still is a bitch. And I am really scared of having to go on an insulin pump. How would you like to have to be attached to a small pager-sized machine ALL THE TIME? Even when I am swimming, or in the shower, or wearing a nice dress? I have to wear this fucking thing? NO FUCKING WAY!
I dont want to do it. But I am starting to be so frustrated with this, I dont know what other choices I have, really.
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
7:40am
zzzzzzzzzzz......
That is what I really wish I was doing right now instead of sitting in my cold office typing a journal entry at 7:40 am. I left my sweet, sleeping, warm and adorable man in bed this morning with the cats, and dragged my half awake ass into the shower, car and traffic for my morning commute to work.
Ugh. Shoot me.
I hope I get used to this soon. Once I am awake and have enough caffeine in me, I am just fine - but it's getting up that kicks my butt. My bed is so soft and warm and when there is an adorable boy who also happens to be my best friend in it, it's just not appealing to get up at 5:45 am.
I know, I know it's only Day 2 - but I really liked it a lot better when I got to sleep ini until 7:30 and then go to work at 8:30. OR on Tuesdays and Thursdays, sleep until 9 when I actually woke up without an alarm. I need to work for myself, so then I can sleep until 9 EVERY day and not have to commute to anywhere but my damn living room. This will happen, people. It will.
If you can believe this, there is MORE traffic on the highway at 6:30 in the morning than at 8:30. And I thought I was being clever by leaving so early. Hmmmph. Apparently not.
Ok, enough of my bitching this morning.. I'm tired and will try and post more later if I get a chance...
Hope you all have a great day! XOXO
7-6-2004
I got to work today at a little bit before 8 am. This is highly unusual for me, as I have become quite a slacker as far as my hours go. Don't get me wrong, I work my butt off - but I do this at all kinds of odd hours in the day and night, leaving me with this wonderful freedom of having 2 days at home a week, and being able to stroll into work at 9 am and leave at 3 or 4, taking an hour lunch. Working weekends and evenings is the trade off, but I was fine with that... really.
Well, like all good things, it has come to an end. Yes, folks - I am an official 7:30 to 4 working woman- 5 days a week. It's interesting, because I know I will become a lot more productive at work as a result. (can't you tell by this long journal entry JUST HOW productive I am???) LOL. I also believe that I now have the opportunity to make myself a bit more known around here, as opposed to just being "Miss Invisible".
Most of the people I work with have never taken me seriously anyways, or really seen much of what I can do. Academia is sort of like that. Unless you make a name for yourself by being really present and involved, you will go completely unnoticed. I have liked this for some time, being unnoticed and not bothered, but I feel that it is time for me to step up and really shoulder some more responsibility and work around here.
I have sat on committees here for two and a half years, and I doubt that anyone knows my name, and it's simply because I rarely speak up. I do my job, I do it well and the little niche I have fit in has been nice.
My job here, up until now has been very much a waste of my skillset. This is not the fault of where I work, but simply me getting my foot in the door two and 1/2 years ago and since then being comfortable letting them pay me a salary and work at home to do "administrative work". But - I have become increasingly bored and restless in my position - and hence - it finally has changed!
It is time for me to really jump on the bandwagon and put myself to the test. I have been given a really great opportunity to grow professionally and to challenge myself and I am looking forward to really doing well through this. Whether I stay here forever or not, it will be a good experience, and I know I am up for it.
That's about it. Rather boring entry, I am sure. Maybe I will think of something really funny to post later.