6-28-2003
So, a lot has changed in my world in the last month.
The last entry I made below, I was feeling very maudlin and sad. Today, however, I am not feeling so bad. I am actually feeling good.
Tony, Rob and I went to a meeting in North Hollywood last night and heard a fantastic speaker. I heard about it from Kim, and I got to meet her last night for the first time. She is an incredibly cool chick. We went to dinner afterwards with the speaker, his wife and some other people from Kim's area.
It's been a long time since I went out to dinner after a meeting with people I didn't know - I had a really good time. I felt sort of like how I did when I was new to recovery, awkward and then happy to meet and get to know some people who are on the same path as I am. It was really cool.
Kim and I talked about weblogging, and she reminded me how therapeutic blogging can be for me. I have felt a lot lately like not blogging, my life has been in such turmoil for the past six months, that I think I have just felt really vulnerable writing about it here.
I am ready to change that. So - here's the scoop:
I moved to a new apartment by myself. It's a one-bedroom, upstairs unit in an 8 unit complex. The rent here is a lot of money. My sanity, however is worth every penny.
My downstairs neighbor is a quiet, middle-aged woman with a cat. She seems very nice. My upstairs neighbors are a girl and a guy (not together, from what I can surmise), they are both youngsters (early 20's), and they seem very cool. They like punk music and drinking. Fortunately, they aren't loud or obnoxious. So far, so good.
The downstairs neighbors are some heavy-metal rocker guys. I think they smoke a lot of pot. They seem cool too, and the youngster who wears all black, has a great sense of humor and a bit of a crush on me. I stay to myself, so I haven't had a lot of contact with them. I like it here.
My living room is huge, and I set up my computer in here, along with my couches and an entertainment center. This house is very Jenn. There is not a lot of Tony here. I left a lot of that when I moved. It's painful.
The whole place has hardwood floors, which my cats race around on, tearing up the rugs and sliding into walls. They like it here too. The bathroom has a GIANT tub, which I spend a lot of time in, stretched out, trying to make myself calm down.
It feels like my whole life quit being about me a long time ago, and since has become about my significant other, and what he does and how it effects me. My whole world has taken second place to Tony - my job, my personal life, my friends, my family. I have chosen him over most all of that, and I am finally, finally getting tired of it.
But change is slow for me. I am not perfect, and I don't figure I am ever going to be. I'm working hard on my enabling, my codependency, my fear, my faith. I am setting boundaries, slowly. I am keeping them, mostly. My friends miss me. I miss me.
People are sick of hearing about the next round of drama with us, and I am tired of telling it. I crave something else. I want to talk about the beach, my next vacation, someone else. Anything but this same old tired crap over and over.
So - I am trying to do that. I am leaving next weekend to go to the World NA convention in San Diego. I am going to go, get dressed up, run around with my friends, smile, take pictures, drink a lot of coffee, stay up late, smoke a shitload of cigarettes, and try to quit obsessing on this person who I still love with everything I have, and how I can help him. Or fret over the fact that, really - I can't.
He is doing good today. He has a few days clean. He has a plan. I am happier about this. I am not however, going to put all my faith and hope in this one thing. I am just trying to live my life, for me, and take it a day at a time. That's all I can do.
So, that's it. I have missed all those who read this, and I have missed being online. I am back, people. :-)
6-8-2003
The candles are lit, and dinner is simmering. I've made you fresh spaghetti pomodoro and a huge green salad, rolls and I even bought some Martinelli's sparkling grape juice. It's chilling in the refrigerator. I made cheescake for dessert, with chocolate and strawberries for the top.
There is a faint scent of incense in the air, and the table is dressed for two, lights dimmed. I can't wait for you to get here. It's been a long time since I have seen you, and I miss you so badly, I can barely contain my excitement.
We've got the whole night, baby - no interuptions, no phone calls, no work or friends. Just you and me, and dinner and a movie. An entire night to laugh, eat, play, tickle, tell jokes, talk about our lives, and our dreams and each other.
Tonight there will be no arguing. No, fighting or manipulations, no angry words, no tearful faces. I don't doubt you, I know you are here, I know you are present with me. I feel sure of us again, and solid in what we have.
You have finally showed up for me - for YOU, and it is all going to be okay now. We can go back to that peaceful, easygoing time. The time when we could be together and say everything with one look. The time when we would be so animated in conversation that we finished each others' sentences, or share some silly joke that you and I only knew about.
We'll tell stories, and laugh and laugh. And later, I will curl up in your warm arms and think about how lucky I am to have fallen in love with someone who is so amazing, and how, still after all this time, you can level me with one stare. Or how sometimes, my heart still skips a beat when I see you coming. I'll think about how true love doesn't come along too many times in a lifetime, and what a blessing I have in you.
And later, we can make love, and I will think again, about how much I love you. I'll fall asleep watching your chest rise and fall, and for the first time in a long, long time, I will sleep without nightmares, without waking up in a clammy sweat. I'll sleep soundly and peacefully.
God, how I wish you would get here. I am so tired of waiting. I wish so badly that you'll show up soon, before I lose it, before the dinner gets cold, and before I forget how wonderful it was when your fucking disease wasn't between the two of us.