6-30-2004
I am a clothes whore.
Yes, folks. I am. Unfortunately, I have gotten myself into a grip of trouble with my whoring in this manner, and I have been forced to NOT purchase myself clothing or take any trips to Melrose in a long time.
I go through clothes, like a Obsessive/Compulsive person does soap, so I have no good clothes anymore, and this saddens me to no end.
So, when I am having a bad day at work, and my head is screaming loudly at me, to the point of me wanting to blow it off just so it will stop, what do I do? Online shopping!
Only this time, I have left my credit cards in my purse, and I am only looking, and adding to my wishlists. But I did find some interesting items, in which I shall now comment on:
1) Does anyone REALLY ever wear these? I purchased several pairs of these shoes when I was 9 or 10 and they were horribly uncomfortable as well as they make your feet smell bad. I cannot believe that someone has determined that this fashion item should make a comeback.
2) What the hell is this? A flowered cape? You would not catch me dead in this, EVER.
3) I tried on one of these the other day at my friend Christie's house. Christie is an adorable, petite little thing with great little legs. I, on the other hand, have these long, long legs which I love, but I looked like a total slut in this miniskirt. It was so short on me that you could see my butt cheeks. This is a common problem. A skirt on a normal woman goes to mid-thigh. On me, I look like a hooker.
So, I have decided instead that I shall treat myself to these three items when I am financially able to:
1) Dress 2) Shoes 3) Sunglasses
What do you think?
Oh, I am also posting new images in my pictures section, so go look.
6-28-2004
Pictures from the PROM! (tee-hee)
Jenn & Tony | Jenn & Fuentes! | Jenn, Tony, Fuentes and Roberto | Jenn
I feel overly vain posting all these pictures of me, but oh well. I have been forcing poor Eric to take my picture on a regular basis for almost two weeks now. I am damn determined to learn how to pose for the camera. I freeze just about every time I know someone is taking my picture, an then the pictures turn out horrible. But thanks to Eric, I am finally getting some decent pictures of me and my friends from this, so all is well.
I had a really nice weekend. Basically I did a lot of nothing. Well, actually I went to a "prom", sans a prom dress, and danced a lot. I spent yesterday all over Los Angeles county, from Frasier Park to Venice and Santa Monica, then a nice cool drive down the PCH to home sweet home, Ventura. It was cool.
I woke up this morning in a fucking panic, stressed out to no end about finances and how I am supposed to be making ends meet this month. Luckily, I keep telling myself that these projects I have bid will be coming through soon, just be patient. However, this is the do-or-fucking-die month for me. I either have to get my financial situation in check, or next month I will be eating bananna peels and bread heels for lunches.
The good thing about this, is that I know I am capable of handling business and I will do so. I always feel really stressed out around the beginning of the month with finances, and I just need to tell myelf it's going to be just fine, and not to act stupid with my money once I get paid.
I need a winning lottery ticket. Or I just need my clients to sign my contracts. Like today. That would be nice.
paruuump.
6-24-2004
I can't find any lyrics today to post so fuck it.
I just feel like writing. I feel a lot less confused today about things in my life. It's funny how working steps will do that for you. I finished my second 4th step, and I gained a lot of insight into myself already by doing it. It never ceases to amaze me how it never feels like writing about myself is a solution, and then once I do it - I find that it really is.
The biggest ephiphany I had with my step work is my need for perfection, and the illusion I carry about myself that I must be perfect or else. Hah! Or else what, you delusional bitch? Or else you'll be like everyone else? Real and IMPERFECT? Oh, the horrors!
But this unconcious need that I have to act perfect, be perfect, seem perfect, gets me into a lot of trouble. I end up being sneaky behind it, and being sneaky reminds me I am not perfect, and hence the cycle continues.
Anyway, this isn't the place to go into depth with you about my step work, but that revelation, among others has helped me to laugh a little at myself, and feel a bit better about myself all at once.
I want to post this really fabulous sexy picture of myself here today. I was in a MOOD the night this was taken, and my dear friend Eric, snapped this photo of me. I think that besides the "famous ass picture" I have of myself, this is one of the sexier photos I have ever taken.
xoxox
6-22-2004
"Time" - (listen) - MP3 format
Time here,
all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time
But you send your thieves to me
silently stalking me
Dragging me into your wall
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist, trying reopen a sore
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
You see love-- a tight, thorny thread that you spin in a
circle of gold
You have me to hold me
a token for all to see
captured to be yours alone
And I need just a little more silence,
and I just need a little more time
The courage to pull away
there will be hell to pay
the deeper you cut to the bone
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
Time here,
all but means nothing,
just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company,
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
-Sarah McLachlan
Sometimes I remember, and then I wonder when it is that I will feel like it's enough again.
I know how much I love him. I know how badly I have missed my friend. I know that he means the world to me, and somewhere, underneath all these layers of protective ice, is that place that loves him still with abandon and without reservation and wants so badly to be thawed.
But I am so hesitant, and trying so hard to be open, and not close myself for fear of being hurt again. I promised myself I wouldn't ever close myself to love, no matter how hurt I had been by someone. But I wonder if I am just being stupid, or if I am trying to have faith in a love that I have always felt was bigger than I could ever have deserved or found for myself.
I need time, and he's giving it to me. By all means, he should. But why I am still so confused?
6-21-2004
there's a watch in my pocket and its hands are broken.
the face is blank but the gears are turning.
confusion is a fundamental state of mind.
it doesn't really matter what i'm figuring out.
i'm guaranteed to wind up in a state of doubt
and sanity is a full-time job in a world that is always changing,
and sanity is a state of mind that you believe in, sanity.
there's a shadow on the wall where the paint is peeling.
my body's moving forward but my mind is reeling.
depression is a fundamental state of mind.
it doesn't really matter how my day has turned out.
i always end up living in this world of doubt
and sanity is a full-time job in a world that is always changing,
and sanity will make you strong if you believe in sanity.
and sanity is a full-time job in a world that is always changing,
and sanity is a state of mind that you believe in, sanity.
-Bad Religion - Sanity
I feel so fucking wrecked today. I wonder if I am totally out of my mind or if I've just temporarily lost it again.
Or maybe I am not crazy at all, maybe I'm just feeling a lot of feelings today and that's uncomfortable for me.
My head is telling me that I am a really shitty person, that "I need to make up my mind. I better stick to my guns, I better not back down, I better get this fucking right! Don't blow it again!"
I hate my head. It always looks at everything in black and white, and my heart sees the world in shades of grey, and living somewhere in between those two places can be really frustrating, irritating and confusing at times.
I'm just trying to do right by myself, and not hurt people in the meantime. But I have. I have hurt people, and I tried really hard not too - but I did anyways. And yes, it's not the end of the world, and yes, I know I am not responsible for making everyone happy. But I have a hard time when I know that my behavior, my indecision, my impulsiveness and my fear have placed people I care about in a position of being hurt by that.
I can't please everyone. Sometimes I wish I could. I can't even please myself half the time. What I want seems to change on a minute to minute basis. I swear, the best I can do is hold tight in my confusion and ride this shit out. Fuck, relationships are hard.
I know this entry is really cryptic, but I dont feel like being specific. I just needed to write something down. Thanks for listening.
6-9-2004
platforms - ani d
life knocked me off my platforms
so i pulled out my first pair of boots
bought on the street at astor place
before new york was run by suits
and i suited up for the long walk
back to myself
closer to the ground now
with sorrow
and stealth
Things occuring in my life that make me happy:
1) My brother graduated the Fresno City Fire Dept Rookie training program yesterday. He's a full-fledged fireman!
2) I'm applying for a passport tomorrow morning, and I have airline tickets to use it!
3) Not being tethered to anything or anyone.
4) Feeling like I want to write in my journal again, about something other than THAT.
5) My very good friend, Tina
6) Girls night (Tues nights)
7) The possibilities are ENDLESS...
8) A promotion at work.
9) Red toenails.
10) My summer tan, and my flat stomach. (grin) And a new bikini from Vicki's Secret
11) Cindie and Angie and their comments in my last post.
12) Friends who love me like nobody's business and call me on a regular basis to see how I am doing.
13) Work is almost fucking over for the day.
6-7-2004
you say it's the crossroads the place we meet
all i'm seeing is a dead end street
think of where you're going think of what you said
i used my heart 'till it was broken now i'm trying to use my head
we'll bide our time and there we'll stay
for you it's tomorrow for me it's yesterday
- TRYING - dag nasty
Do you ever feel sometimes like you walk around in your skin, living your life, being YOU - but actually you're somewhere else completely? Off on some other planet - disconnected from the here and now. Unplugged from reality.
That's how I feel. I feel like I've gone missing, and from what where you stand, I appear to be here, but really, I'm not. I'm gone. I don't feel very in touch right now, and I know that this is just how it needs to be right now. I need to be unplugged.
The truth is that I am very sad. I am very disappointed. I am very angry. I am worried, scared and joyful all at once. I am looking forward to the future, but living in the present right now is a lot to take on. Feeling what I need to feel to just let go and move on is hard. It's like I allow myself these moments of caving into the sadness - I let myself miss him a thousand times over in those moments. But then I shut them off, like a switch, and tell myself it's useless to reminisce, it's stupid to focus on that, it hurts too bad.
The time has come for me to move forward. Something very huge shifted in my soul, my heart, my head, my whatever - and I know that I need to let him go. Completely. And in this letting go, there is no room for what tomorrow might bring, or hope or any of that. I need to just release it and move forward.
But you tell me, how do you let go of your best friend. How do you let go of 4 years of your life together and all of those dreams and memories? So many of them were so beautiful, and he changed me. I am the person I am today because of knowing and loving him. But in that, I am also now the person who needs to let him go.
The relationship has been difficult, unfulfilling and sick for a long time. I have wanted the courage to leave for a long time, and I feel relief that it finally came to me. And I feel pissed that it did too. I am so fucking pissed that he couldnt pull his life together in time to save whatever it was that we had left.
And that feels gone for me now. All gone. So... I'm kinda gone too. I will always love him. Always. But I wont be with him anymore. I am done, kids. Finally.
Onward.
6-2-2004
Change, when it comes, cracks everything open.
-Dorothy Allison, O Magazine
The feeling for today is SCARED. Yes, folks. I am scared shitless. I am feeling that huge, overwhelming void of unknown and I feel like caving into it. I dont feel like marching right into its mouth and telling it hello. I feel like running from it, screaming...
Unfortunately, my experience has taught me that when I resist change all that happens, is I miss out. Change will occur whether I concede to it or not, and the best way to handle it is with courage and faith. When I am scared, I am not sitting in faith - at least not completely.
Lots of things are changing. My job, my relationship, myself. I dont feel comfortable with any of it. I am in the process of having a massive spiritual shift occur in my soul, and if I am no longer willing to resist it. I am open to it, and it's coming.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that sometimes the best things that have ever happened to me have begun in this way - with a lot of fear, and a KNOWING. Just because I can't see the result of this does not mean it is not good.
I'm going to keep on trudging along, chin up. I'll keep you posted. It's probably gonna be an emotional ride.
