3-31-04
i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why
and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go
-ORIGAMI, by Ani D.
Hmmm. Jenn is tired, one more time.
Do you ever wonder why it is that once can continue on in a pattern of living when they know it doesn't serve them, when they know it's painful, and not getting any different. I do. I wonder this a lot. I wonder why I stay.
I wonder if the addict in me is what keeps me here, or if it's fear, or if it's stubborness, or endless hope, true love, or just stupidity and unwillingness? Or maybe all of the above. Probably all of the above.
I know I am tired. I know that sometimes I don't feel like I know myself too much anymore. I know that I am becoming more and more adept at dealing with this situation, but the pain around it never gets any easier. Never.
The constant worry is chewing a hole in my heart, and sometimes I become really afraid that its gonna get too big to patch or mend. But I'm not willing today to do anything other than put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking.
I know today my biggest job is to take care of me and my business of living my life. MINE. Because I actually have one, even though when this is bad, it feels like I'm just going through the motions, and it feels meaningless. I know it's not. I know I have purpose, and I know I am blessed. I just have forgotten what it was like to feel carefree, and I miss it. And the worst part is that I know that I choose it.
Live in the moment, Jenn. One day at a time. Let go and let God. Be of service and keep on walking.
Chin up, girl. Chin up.
3-15-04
You're getting Sleepy... verrrrrry sleepy
I am tired today. Very, very, very tired. I am not sure why - hmmmmm, maybe it was the snoring, farting spun-out/dopesick junkie I let sleep on my couch last night who kept me up till 1:30 and then woke me up at 7 this morning with the loudest slurpy-cough snore sound I have ever heard?
Gee, go figure.
Yeah, I know - I signed up for it, so I can't really complain. (note* But you see, I can complain. I can complain if I fucking want to and if you dont like my complaining, you can simply click the litte "X" on the top of your screen and wave goodbye to me and my sniveling....)
Truthfully, I am grateful to have been able to open my doors to her and let her sleep on my couch. She is going to be sick soon, and trying like hell to get into a recovery home, but having a hard time staying clean in the interim. I know how that feels. She is scared, tired and lonely. I know how that feels. And, I feel that it's my job to take the hand of an addict seeking help. Plenty of people did that for me when I first got here, and have continued to do so since.
No, I dont think that NA told me I had to let them stay on my couch, but I wanted to. I wanted to help her out. I won't do it again tonight, but I was able to do that last night. I like being able to pass it on. But I am telling you, that sometimes extending that hand makes one very tired.
Anyways, life is good. I am happy, albeit tired and trying to not nod off at my desk at work today. I am looking forward to my birthday party with Miss Tina this coming Sunday. We are getting a pinata and a big cake with "Happy Birthday Bitches" on it. We shall eat bbq and play silly games with waterballons. I feel that I need to revel in my youthfulness, since I am embarking on my last year in my 20's.
It's going to be fun, and I am really stoked I decided to throw a party for myself and Tina G. I believe in celebrating birthdays, especially my own!
I got a new tattoo this weekend, shhhhh.... I have been contemplating this one for a while, which is a good thing, since it's not a little one. It's on my left arm, extending from the cap of my shoulder to about an inch above my elbow.
I will post a picture of it once it gets some color in it...... Yay Tony! His work as of late has been jaw-dropping, and I am stoked to have such a nice piece on my arm. Except, from now on, I have to wear 1/4 sleeves at work.... no more sleveless tops....
Now you're all updated - dont you feel special?
3-12-04
Bad Attitude
Oh boy, do I have a bad attitude today. I woke up on the WRONG side of the bed. It's grey and nasty outside, which always improves my already shitty disposition. Ha.
It's Friday, which makes me happy... I look forward to my weekends like crazy. I think this is a definite sign of burnout. I remember when I liked coming to work, and I didn't mind Mondays. What in the hell happened to that attitude?
Anyways, I am aware of what's going on with me. Today, it's simply frustration and worry about finances. I keep telling myself that I have never had to go without, and my HP always provides for me just fine... However I have something like $6 to my name, and a $100 phone bill due next week. Super. Nothing to eat at home and 1/4 tank of gasoline in my car. Fabulous.
I woke up in a sweat this morning, worrying about it. But, I have money coming in - I've been working, so I am just going to keep plugging away at it, and hope that I get paid sooner rather than later.
What else can I bitch about? Well, I hate my job here. I have to sit in on 2 hours of mind-numbing committee meetings today. I swear I would almost rather drink poison than that. It's the one thing I seriously HATE about the position I am in. Those committee meetings.
I cannot wait for my new job interview. I am hoping that I get the position, as it would be more money, interesting work and the same stable environment I appreciate. However, if I don't I have decided I am going to FINALLY branch off on my own and work for myself. It's time. I can make this happen, if I would just get out of the fear and DO IT.
We'll see - I just know I can't continue to stay in this position. My bad attitude is annoying even me, so I can't imagine how everyone else feels about this. I have a day or two, where I am ok - and then I get right back into it. Pissed off at having to be here, and generally unhappy. This simply means it's time for a change.
God damn, what I would not do for a winning lottery ticket... I'd have my bags packed for Bermuda in 2 seconds flat, people. Although, one does have to wonder if it's simply an illusion that winning the lottery would make me happy. Maybe for a few weeks, but then, knowing myself, I'd find something else to bitch about.
Maybe the trick is to simply find the peace and joy in whatever it is at the moment I am experiencing. Im the one who gets up every morning and either makes the decision to be unhappy, or makes the decision to be happy and joyous. I have seen myself do it.
Today's just one of those days where being in a pissy mood seemed so much more appealing..... LOL
TGIF...