5-2-2003

"Faith without works is dead"

Yeah, okay. I'm working on it. To be truthful, my life has been a mess lately. I didn't post anything for the entire month of April, because every time I could get past the apathy for writing in this thing, I would write something, then re-read and delete.

My life is still a mess. The good news is that somehow, I have done enough work on myself so that I can manage to keep it together. I am not falling apart. I have my moments, I figure I am definitely allowed.

It feels like the universe is trying to tell me something. And I am plugging my ears and humming loudly, so as to not hear it. Then the noise goes away, and I tenatively start on my path again, only to hear the noise a little further down the road, only this time it is much louder.

I need to take that leap of faith. I am caught up in a sick behavior pattern that I have to break, and I am absolutely terrified of doing that. My sponsor asks me, "Where's your faith, Jenn?" and I sometimes feel like screaming at her "I DONT FUCKING HAVE ANY LEFT!!!!!". But I also know that isn't true for me either. I have plenty of faith. It's just that my fear is bigger than my faith, and I am letting it stay that way.

I need to change SOMETHING, and it appears as if the universe, sensing my total unwillingness, is really forcing the stupid issue. I have to make a choice. One of the hardest choices I think I have had to make so far. A choice I have tried to make before, but reneged on. A choice I never imagined that I would need to make, and one that I certainly don't want to make. I am trying to work any way I can around making this choice, but it keeps coming up, over and over.

I am really scared, but I keep telling myself that I will be okay. I know that God has plans for me, and my limited little mind can't comprehend that those plans are greater than I could ever begin to imagine. I am stuck on what I have known, and how I feel "right now" and the idea that that cannot change is so ludicrous, but yet I hang on to it, like me making this choice will end my life or something.

To be honest, sometimes I think it will.

So, after that long winded, cryptic entry, I would like to say, for the few who read this, I think I am going to go on a hiatus from journaling for a while. I need the space, and the alone time, and I just wanted to tell you all that, because I swear, I feel guilty about not writing in this thing without some explanation. Am I co-dependent or what!?

So, love and kisses, and if you want - email me. I'll be back in a while.

xoxoxoxox - Jenn - jenn@webdemon.org