9-28-2004
yeeeee
I'm not sure what my problem is, but I keep using the word (actually, it's not a word) "yeeeee......" in my IM conversations with people. I don't know what comes over me, that I feel so compelled to constantly type it. It's starting to annoy me.
I don't ever say "yeeeee". I don't know anyone who says it either. Apparently, it's simply an annoying IM persona I have been possessed with.
Yeeeee.
In other news, I am biting at the bit for this Friday to come. Last Friday, I launched the website I have been working like a dog on. My promise to myself was that when I finished it, I would treat myself to a day at the Spa. So, I have the day off and I have officially made appointments from 10:30 until 2pm at the salon this Friday, where I shall be indulging in (with my pal Christie) a spa pedicure, a manicure and a 45 minute Reiki Massage, and various other girlie treatments. It's my special present to myself for all of my hard work these last couple of weeks. A day off of work, and a whole lot of pampering Jenn.
Yeeeee!
9-23-2004
For those of you who pray - however that works for you - please say some prayers for my friends. I have two of them, both who are hurting really bad, both of who are in the grip of their disease, both of whom need a lot of love and kindness.
I hate not being able to fix things like that, I swear to God, it kills me. I love them both so much, and there's not a damn thing I can do to make things better for either one.
Please, if you pray - say some prayers for those two girls.
9-21-2004
A Sappy, Gooey, Sickeningly-sweet and Entirely Way Too LONG Love Story....
- For your reading pleasure - now don't say I didn't warn you...
I have been thinking a lot lately about Tony and I. And about how lucky I am to have found what I did with him. Love and longevity in relationships these days is few and far between, and in my experience, what I have with him, all things considered - is quite miraculous.
Relationships and lasting ones, for that matter were not something I was very accustomed to before I met Tony. Yes, I was married for six years. But the nicest way that I could term the kind of wife I was to that man is "nasty-whoring-selfish-bitch-from-hell-who-cared-only-about-herself"... *ahem*
Anyways, I got clean and then I got into a relationship *oooooh*. And believe me, the circumstances in which he and I got started, were not the best. He was attached, emotionally, to someone else - I mean, seriously attached. I was single, and basically making a half-ass attempt at celibacy for my own sake. I was lonely, he was hurting, fresh off a breakup - and well, I guess we sought solace in each other. We were friends already - but I never really had looked at him in the way you might look at someone who you had your eye on. I just thought of him as Tony, my pal.
So, we endeavored into this weird, strange sort of relationship that was, at first - really more of a desperate attempt at covering up our feelings - but we ended up falling in love with each other. For me, it happened really fast. I mean, I already loved him as my friend. But my boyfriend? Uh...no. So it was really a surprise to me. But I think I settled into how I felt about him way quicker than he settled into how he felt about me.
See, he was already in love with someone else. And I mean, IN LOVE. He loved her with a passion I didn't quite understand. She was his first love, and god-damn, he had fallen HARD. But the relationship wasn't really working, for whatever reasons I don't get to have an opinion about.... but it just wasn't.
So, me being the little selfish addict that I was at the time, saw no wrong in pursing what I wanted. I could not understand WHY he couldn't fully commit to me, and I had real issue with his continued torment over his feelings for the woman he was still in love with. I mean, he says he loves me, but he loves her? What the fuck is that?
Anyways, a year and a half passes, and we (her and I) played ping-pong with Tony. I loved him. I was unwilling to let him go, and he was unwilling to let me go, or to fully let her go. It was painful. For ALL involved. And somehow, one day it all shifted. And he just got to a place where he was willing to make a decision.
And later, down the road - I got to see the err of my ways. I can't say that I am sorry for how it all turned out. Really, I'm just not. I love him. He is my one great love.
What I do regret, however - is how my selfish behavior hurt her. See, she's my friend too. Actually, she was a pivotal reason that I stayed clean when I first got into recovery. And her love and acceptance of me meant a lot to me. While we were not friends, I missed her. And I felt bad. So, I had to try and hate her. And that took a lot of energy. Well, I finally grew the fuck up and made amends to her, and in the process, I freed myself. I was able to just love her again, whether she was interested in being my friend again or not - it made no difference.
But the cool thing is that she was interested. And today - all three of us are friends. Today I have a healthy respect for her relationship with Tony. They are close, and you know what? That is ok with me. Recovery is beautiful, people. It has given me the opportunity to be a grown up and to move past my own insecurities and be ok with things I would have NEVER IMAGINED I would EVER be ok with.
So, on to why I have been feeling a lot of gratitude lately for my relationship. I have a friend who is currently going through a rough break up. He is sad, angry, etc - as anyone who is going through something like that would be. And he said to me,
"Jenn, I was looking at those pictures of you and Tony the other day, and I thought to myself - "I want what they have" I mean, you guys have been through SO much, and you still love each other with passion, and you are both so committed to each other, and that gives me hope".
WHAT? That really, really threw me.
I think that sometimes, I just look at my relationship with him as being easy. Because for me, it feels like it has been. But the reality is that relationships ARE WORK. They are hard work. And I he and I HAVE been through hell and back with each other. And we still manage to live harmoniously - we forgive each other freely, we love each other with a limitless passion, and we laugh together A LOT. When we fight, we FIGHT. And then we make up. I don't know how I ever got to be so committed to one person, but I am not going to question and ask why. I am just going to say that I am so grateful to be so blessed.
I love you, baby.
For all of the pessimistic and cynical - *insert groans of ridicule here*
For the romantics at heart - *insert sigh*
9-20-2004
Rockstars and Dickies
I had such a fun weekend. Well, I had to do a lot of work but I still managed to party like a Rockstar on Saturday night.... I was kickin it with all kinds of famous people:
Marilyn Manson, Perry Farrell, Dave Navarro, Mike Ness - oh and Courtney Love!
Just kidding... (duh) well it was actually a "Come Dressed as Your Favorite Rock Star Party" in honor of my good friend Rob's 8 years of freedom....
I am the hideous Courtney Love look-a-like. I have to say, it was a lot of fun adopting her "Fuck you, Motherfuckers" persona. I looked so frightening, that most of my friends did not recognize me until I actually grabbed them and had to say "Hey! It's Jenn"
That, dear internet, is a costume well done! And it only cost me $35 bucks. :-)
Then, on Sunday I went to the Musician's Picnic in San Fernando. I went to see the DICKIES play. Sweet Jesus, that was fun. They were AMAZING! That band has been around, playing music since I was a gleam in my momma's eye - and they still kick ass.
Here's a little quicktime movie for your viewing pleasure...
View-->
(you must have
Quicktime installed)
By the way, the pictures are so grainy and crappy because, like dolts - we forgot the camera 2 days in a row... so all these images were taken on our picture phones.
9-14-2004
Drama Train
I could regale you with stories about the drama train that is steaming through my life right now, but you wouldn't believe me.
Funny thing is, that it's none of my drama.
Hallelujah, people. It's not mine. My life is currently very quiet and peaceful. (except for all the smoke and noise from the drama train my friends are riding on.) I am so totally enjoying it. Every second of it. (my peaceful existence, not the drama train!)
Ok. Now, for your viewing pleasure - I present..... *making drumroll noises*
Fun with Camera Phones
(This was a silly message sent to Eric yesterday. God, I am so easily amused - especially by myself - LOL)
9-10-2004
I am revoking my right to spew
For personal resons, I have decided to censor myself and remove my last post.
I'm in a much better place today, by the way....
Off to see Dr. Nasty at 11am, but otherwise a relatively happy girl.
xoxo - Have a great weekend!
